The Life of a Dork out of Boston
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Aug
04

And I guess I can’t be blamed, at least not this time around. Life was crazy for a while before it died down and I remembered “Hey… that Hellblog thingymadoo was cool! Maybe I should look it up again?” Needless to say, I did, and it’s… wow. Hey, we picked up a few? Nice, nice.

This is a placeholder, really, for now. I’m still sorta iffy about a few things, but I just wanted to let everyone here know that I’m not fading away, I’ve just got one or two more loose ends and then I can start talking about my life again.

But… I need to keep everyone occupied until then. So… lessee…. ah, yes. Fight Club.

HOLY SHIT.

Most AWESOME plot twist I’ve ever seen sitting on my couch. I saw the new Batman (more on that later, folks) but last night I watched Fight Club for the first time. Brad Pitt was amazing as Tyler Durden, absolutely astounding, because he really does pull off the rugged, laid-back, all around awesome badass that Ed would like to see in himself… and past that, my friends, I can’t speak any longer, because that would RUIN THE MOVIE. NO MORES! Y’ALL HEAR?! Now I’ve got some cheesecake and some sheets to slip between, so you’ll all have to excuse me. I’ll catch y’all later.

Jun
27

So, I broke down yesterday. Usually I’m a tough bastard, my friends tell me; I can take any sort of emotional drama bullshit and just walk around it or plow on through and come out with flying colors, unscathed, but yesterday I broke down. Too many people come to me for emotional support at the same time, and I’m worried about all of them. Nicole’s addicted to Codine again, and I literally slapped her when she said she was considering Oxies. Kelsey almost got pushed down a flight of stairs by her boyfriend, and I swear that if he so much as lays a finger on her out of anger I am going to literally beat the living shit out him until he has to breathe out of a tube shoved up his ass. Jill and Ali pretty much aren’t friends anymore, and while that is minor, it’s stuff like that that adds up, bit by bit. Mum’s lonely and irritable, easy to anger. Dad is just flat out depressed and forlorn, and I hope to god he doesn’t start drinking again. Joey is afraid to be in a room by himself; poor little dude is only 9. Anthony is flipping out all over the place because puberty is hitting him like a brick to the gut. Owen is… Christ, Owen’s always had problems. Kaitlyn is turning into her mother, and she HATES her mother, and she sees the transformation but is too selfish or lazy to do anything about it. Marcel is addicted to World of Warcraft to the point where he gets cranky when he’s taken away from it. Kristen is depressed for unknown reasons. Heather has stopped talking to Spencer because she’s afraid that she’ll have sex with him again if she doesn’t cut herself off entirely. Josh is losing his faith and has delved into more “secular” activities – pot, booze, fucking more guys – to try and block it off, and Rocky has pretty much abandoned him.

Add this to my own lonliness, stress from College that’ll be coming up soon, and the fact that I havn’t seen some of these people in more than half a year. I’m scared for them; I’m scared for every single bleeding one of them, because I’m working my ass off to keep them up and if I leave, WHEN I leave, for college, I don’t know what they are going to do. I can’t keep them all sane and happy at once NOW, when I’m here, trying to deal with what I can. I’m scared shitless.

And that made me break down. I was in Kristin’s room, we were hanging out, and she threw on Imogen Heap and while I was listening I sorta started thinking and I curled up into a ball, and then I sorta started to shake a little and I almost cried… and I vented. GOD I vented for an HOUR. I’m never like this. Never. I’m scared and I’m confused and I’m paranoid and I don’t know if I can trust myself with my friends anymore, because I don’t know how often these breakdowns are going to occur if I’m like this.

But that’s my ten minutes. Work is now, so I gotta run.

Jun
12

So. It’s 4 in the morning and I can’t sleep again for a few reasons. The first is an oddly named band called The Uglysuit and their song Chicago (which I discovered because of one of the Marks over at The Hellblog (www.thehellblog.com. You’ll find him. Oh, but he’s NOT Librecht. That one rocks, but it’s not him). It’s perhaps the perfect song to listen to on your deck at sunset when the sky’s lit up with orange wax, the clouds are fading into pink, and you’re just kicking back with a beer and a few good friends. It’s not one of those songs you listen to when you want to have fun. Not that it impedes it, no sir. But it’s a song you think to, it’s a song you take time out of whatever you’re doing if you hear it on the street so you can listen. It lazily drifts from one place to another, with a wonderful build and lyrics that all add up. It’s like taking the Cat Empire and smoking them up a whole lot. It’s nice.

Secondly on my list today… *sigh* I talked to Kelsey. Kels is a girl that’s far too young for most of the other Hellbloggers (she’s 16. Being 18 myself, that’s kosher for me). She and I are pretty much in the throes of love. We find eachother amazing (at least I hope… I know that I’m personally smitten) and every time we talk I have to laugh because she’s the cutest thing you’ve ever met. When I first met her she was a damsel in distress and I turned out to be her knight in shining armor, let me tell you… at least that’s how she herself puts it. She’s got the most adorable smile, the cutest laugh, the prettiest face, and the most mature, funny personality for her age, and good holy shit she fucking LOVES ME. The issue is that she lives in NJ, which is obviously an impasse to any real meaningful relationship. We know this and so we keep it at least casual. We talk about it alot, but only because otherwise we’d be bottling up our feelings, and we’ve both had nasty times trying to hold stuff in when it needs to be let free. She’s someone I consider my best, best friend, for lack of a much better term. Y’know what? Let’s say this. She’s a smart blonde. Try that out for size.

Anyways, (he said, after profusely apologizing to Aly,) the issue I have is with her boyfriend Steli. The guy’s not bad; he’s protective, but I’ve talked to him many times and although I don’t share his zeal for our relationship, I have to admit that at heart he is a very good man and a good friend. The problem is that he’s also a violent douchebag. The reason he respects me so much is because I’ve saved his relationship with Kelsey more times than I’d warrant, mainly because he keeps being an asshole about it. Kelsey knows it and is confused; I didn’t take it well at all when they first started dating. I still don’t. So why should I help him? When it comes down to it, it’s because I can’t have her. I know I can’t. And so what I have now is a friend coming to me for assistance, and I happen to be in a wonderfully convenient position to help, knowing both of them better than anyone. The strain is taking toll on me… I confessed I still loved her today. She said the same to me. Life’s a bitch sometimes, you just have to appreciate what you’ve got, and I know I have everything but a relationship from her. I’ll survive.

But while we’re on the topic of fellow Hellbloggers and depression, I’ve got a few words to say. I’ve taken to skimming the blogs of some of my fellow friends from the Hellblog, and I have to say that I’m sort of down about it. It’s not that they’re bad people; christ knows that they’ve shown the utmost respect and humor by letting the runt of the pack get his two sense in, even if it’s a little annoying and naive, and Christ knows that a few people (Mark, Chinky) have been the nicest dudes (or dudettes; not making that mistake twice, Chinky) have already shown me a whole lot of kindness. Andy reminds me of my best friend Adam, Alain is freaking hilarious, Mark (Librecht) has his own awesome dorkiness going on, the other aforementioned Mark seems mellow and cool, Aly’s cute and seems really nice, Goldy’s just… shit, she’s Goldy, and everyone has the greatest sense of humor that just makes the day a tiny bit sunnier when I get on.

So it really throws me for a loop when I see that so many of the guys are feeling down. Granted, it’s usually not without good reason; I won’t name people or make specifics, but I’ve read my fair share, and my heart goes out to all of them. And I’m not yelling at anyone for being depressed, either; optimism is a rare brew that must be drank with caution and forethought. It’s just sad to see that so many people have so much to deal with in their lives. I don’t know any of them that well, to be honest. I started looking there regularly a few days ago, maybe. Lord knows they all know eachother a hell of a lot better than I do. But I wanna do something for them, y’know? It looks like they’re getting shit on a lot more than they deserve, and I’m gonna see if I can do my part in my own little way to make’em all smile for a few minutes someday. I don’t know if I can do more, especially when I don’t know them, but I think it needs to be done. I’m 18, and I’m one lucky son of a bitch to have what I got. I’m not as bogged down with emotional baggage as they are, and I can still make it from point A to point B pretty quick without much of a struggle. I can run a few extra laps so the others can take a breather from the bullshit for a while, I think.

So, here’s to a whole group of guys I’d like to share a mug with someday, and a group of people that get shit on a lot more than they deserve.

Hope y’all sleep tight. -Mikey

Jun
11

Real delis rock. You stroll into a homey little store that smells faintly of hickory smoke and pickles, you find yourself surrounded by fresh food, and you’re met by a laid back but hard working, portly, cheerful old fella who doesn’t have an education but does have an apron, a little hat, a laugh like Louis Armstrong and the roughly cut knowledge and wisdom that only comes with the cumulative experience of a lifetime spent all over the place. To say “The World” would be too much, because it gives a definition, an absolute boundary to where he’s been. He’s no great traveller, but we can suffice by saying he’s been around the block a few times and could draw you the route blindfolded.

Ours has Steve, I guess, but he’s dumber than a brick dipped in blonde hair dye.

I wotk at the local Stop and Shop as a clerk at their “Fine Delecatessan”, if you really want to call it that, and although I know I really can’t complain (Uganda, midwest flooding, sinking dollar), it doesn’t change the fact that I am at my lowest there. It’s not that the people suck; Alana’s a lazy bitch, and there’s the aforementioned Steven, but aside from those two, I run with a pretty good crowd (especially Lauren and Annie; they give me FREE FOOD!!!), even if Missy’s a little tempremental.  And it’s not that the customers suck; I get complimented often enough for not being a boring, monotonous idiot that only asks “can I help you” and “how think would you like it?” No, the problem is in length. No one wants to spend eight hours standing behind a counter. Hell, no one wants to spend eight hours standing. It’s a rediculous amount of time in which nothing is forced upon you but the same monotonous routine over and over and over… the pay sucks, the work sucks, and thusly the job flat out sucks.

The reason I’m telling all you this anyways is because not much has happened in life since graduation. …did I mention that? I THINK I did… but in case I didn’t, I graduated High School! Mmhmm! I’m done and overwith! There’s gonna be a hell of a lot more reflection once I’m not being an insomniac (havn’t slept all night, it’s 5 in the morning) and once I’m thinking a little more coherently. Christ, I can’t even remember if I’ve posted half of this yet, and I’ve only posted four times. Short Term Memory Loss is very, very real, my friends, and it sucks to have.

But yeah, that’s my little rant for today… or tonight. Eric’s gonna see if I can hang at his place and get smoked up for the first time. Chances are that Lunchbox and Kirby are gonna be there; they have their own rolling papers, it’s only to be expected. Tuna might be, maybe. Evan, if he’s home. But that’s all for now, and I have to jet, so for tonight/today/morning/night/whatever the hell it is right now…

I’ll catch y’all later. -Mikey

Jun
08

I am a videogamer.  Ever since I picked up a controller at age 4 and jumped on my first Kremlin soon thereafter ( *sigh* no, not the Russian capital, silly non-gamers) and since then I’ve been hooked. The ability to temporarily become someone or something greater than I am was part of the allure; it began innocently enough, with my childish willingness to become a superhero, a powerful being. However, as my age progressed and my mental capacity flourished, my self-image did not. So, to sort of help deal with that, I played more games: A.) because it was something to do, B.) because they often posed a challenge and C.) because I could pretend to be someone else for a while, and stop being a boring, depressed, lonely middle schooler.

Nowadays, I feel alot better about myself, limiting gameplay to a test of skill, intelligence, and oftentimes just to have a good time with a good friend. However, the wish to roleplay, as it were, sort of lingers. This time it isn’t a need to become someone I prefer to myself; I just think that wizards, knights and that whole deal is pretty damn cool, and there’s nothing wrong with that. So instead, my habits have manifested with a few other things I’m familiar with as well as a controller: A pencil, some paper, and my own imagination.

Dungeons and Dragons is a game I play. When I first picked up the Players Handbook, I expected to find some stuff that made me sort of cringe. I was a geek, yeah, but like that? No. No, no way. I played videogames, but that was different. Mario was there, he was visible. There wasn’t any pretend, I told myself erronously. There was a solid, definite connection to the real world through the buffer of the television screen. But Kaitlyn kept wheedling away at me and soon enough I gave in and tried to learn just how to play perhaps the most convoluded but physically simple board game known to mankind.

I was enthralled but didn’t let myself know. So many choices, so much freedom… it’s still something that astounds me. You can see something on the screen about how your character looks, yeah, but you can’t ever make him yours, you can’t become him, because he’s not in your imagination. That being said,  you need an imagination to play. I do, and so I vividly picture every move, every strike and counterstrike and spell that’s thrown around the map while it happens. Then there’s the character creation, the impromptu roleplay, the massive tactical advantages that occur while playing… it’s what makes me happy.

That’s why I’m gonna gripe about 4th edition. I know, you’ve all heard it a million times, but this here is an attempt to try and pick apart the basic philosophy of it, instead of looking at it as a system and detailing every little bit of it until the sun runs dry.

The thing here is this. As a videogame, I would buy it. I would buy it, I would analyze it, I would LOVE it because when it comes down to it, it is a system which works very, very well. I would pay a 15 dollar monthly fee for this game if it involved a keyboard and a mouse. And I think that’s sort of what it’s supposed to mirror. Classes and races in videogames are balanced so expertly (or are supposed to be; see Holy spec Paladins in WoW) because it gives the players a supposedly flat playing field to play on. It eliminates unfair advantage and makes competition all the more exciting, attainable, and as back and forth as it can be. Whether it’s “who can win the race in 1st place”, “who can be the last man standing in a fight” or even “who can raid Karazhan the fastest”, there is always competition involved. Hell, even in PvE combat – whether it’s “get to the end of the dungeon and slay the monster” or “get to the top of the mountain and defeat Bobomb”, there’s still the essential factor of balance. Classes must be balanced to compliment eachother perfectly and be effective enough. Maps must be balanced enough to bring out just enough challenge, just enough fun.

But that’s just it. The problem with the 4th edition of Dungeons and Dragons is that it tries to be too much game. The spirit of the piece itself is to attract a wider, different audience than traditional dungeon crawlers.

Now, that being said,  it’s also juxtaposed against the very fluent, easy system of DnD 3.5. Unlike 4th Edition, 3.5 does it’s best to try and represent what would actually happen in real life within the confines of the D20/Grid system. Granted, there are some things – Evard’s Black Tentacles, for example – which simply wouldn’t happen in the real world. However, if it COULD happen, the speed at which one tentacle could throw you would be determined by the tentacle’s strength scores, against how heavy you are and potentially  whether or not you are trying to attack it. You WOULDN’T have a special ability that would allow you to smack it upside the… erm… “membrane” (i guess we can use that term) that would somehow grant health to an ally, not unless the terms “leech” or “vampire” applied (see PHB 4th edition, Cleric.)

3.5’s system is also surprisingly simple and elegant when it comes to freedom of content. There are definite, hardset rules you have to follow, but there are few enough as to allow a surprising amount of creativity and freedom within that system. Take non-core 3.5 classes and their abilities, for example. Specifically, the Dragon Shaman’s Healing Surge special abilitiy is a wonderful example of this.

Everything in DnD is based off of chance. You roll a die (usually a 20-sided die) and then add or subtract any relevant modifiers, then possibly comparing it to an opposed roll of the same method and then reacting in kind, making any specific effects happen and causing the player to address the new situation. That is DnD’s base mechanic. Healing Surge circumvents that entire deal by letting the player tap into a specific resevoir of healing points, which can be used to heal, cure status ailments, or even get rid of negative levels with no roll, and thus no chance of failure. There aren’t that many points to spend, so it’s not entirely broken, but it completely circumvents the usual system without destroying it or feeling out of place. It’s juxtaposed against the entire ruleset, but it works without complaint.

Combine that with a game that’s easier to understand and roleplay with, and you’ve got a winner. What more can I say? 4th edition is a fun game, but I’m looking for a roleplay. Not a videogame.

Jun
04

So, yesterday I started watching Akira for the first time. I’m 18, mind you, and I’m a total geek, so most of my friends are surprised I havn’t seen it before.

Now, I’m actually watching it at the moment. Tetsuo just went apeshit through the playground and Kay just sorta faded away and pulled a Jesus with the midget kid. Kaneda’s being a useless dick trying to figure out what the hell is going on. But one of the first things I have to say about this whole damn thing is that it’s FUN! Hot damn! There’s explosions EVERYWHERE! Gore and blood and bullets permeate this film! This is an absolutely insane movie! I should have expected something this fun from the guy that pulled Steamboy, but god damn, this is awesome!

Making the day better is my Papa. The good man has seen it within his discretion to send me FIVEHUNDRED DOLLARS for my graduation! :D !!! I never really liked the guy, but hell if I don’t now! Five hundred bucks! Man, that doubles what I’ve got in my account now! GTA4, here I come!

Edit: I just watched the whole movie. Holy Crap, that was crazy. The ending reminds me of the second half of Stanley Kubrick’s 2001: A Space Oddessy. Holy Jeez.

Edit Edit: In fact, the whole damn thing reminds me of Space Oddessy. It starts off in a bleak and uninteresting future world with technology far rivaling today’s, it centers around wierdass symbolism (Monolith, Akira), and I can’t make heads or tails of the second half of both movies which both entail one of the main characters morphing into a giant baby. I dunno what to make of it. Most people call it a “classic”, and the fact that it pretty much brought Anime to the west is pretty undeniable, but I can still imagine the first people to ever see this movie grinning in amazement at the detail to artwork and the amazing voicework, having been previously, exclusively exposed to the more lacking American cartoons… and then cringing with despair and confusion at the explanation for Tetsuo’s powers, the shrivelled midgets (one of which looks like a cross between the Kingpin and the fat kid from The Goonies), and the last 15 minutes of the film. I came off with a warm afterglow, I’ll admit, but I’m still trying to figure it out.

Jun
01

WOOOOOO!!!!

Ok, so it’s really not all that much to look at. Give me a few weeks, and hopefully this thing’ll be totally fleshed out, mmm? My name is Mike,  and I am a dork living out of Boston. If you couldn’t tell that previously, then get your eyes checked or see if you’ve got a concussion, dealie-o? Ok. Goodie.

SO. Here’s the deal. I’m starting this whole thingymadoo up NOT because I’m unescapably bored, NOT because I’m so important and you need to know, but because I need to brush up on my writing. Other people look at my work and either grin with happiness or pat me on the back, but I NEVER, EVER think my stuff is good enough, at least not for me, and the best way to work on my writing is PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE. Now, that being said, this isn’t gonna be some continual poetry night. I’m gonna write how I feel like writing on the spur of the moment, usually. I’m not gonna edit my stuff unless I feel it’s important enough to edit, and when I do, you’ll all know about it. What I HAVE to do before I can put anything of merit up here is to actually trick this page out, mess with the colors and the design and stuff. If you’re reading this and it isn’t typical WordPress format, then congrats! You’re reading something I’ve actually put tangible work into.

But in the meantime, this is going to look like a regular enough blog. I’m not gonna fill in the first page with my life and what it’s like, because if I pull this whole scheme off right anyway you won’t need to read the first page to get a good idea. You’ll need to read more than that. Otherwise, you could read the first page and be done with it.

So yeah, that’s the big hope here. If everything works out, this’ll be nice and pretty looking in a day or two. I’ll do my little rants on stuff that pops up from time to time and you’ll get your five minutes of smiles. Works out for all of us, right? Peace.