Quick 10 minute post!

So, I broke down yesterday. Usually I’m a tough bastard, my friends tell me; I can take any sort of emotional drama bullshit and just walk around it or plow on through and come out with flying colors, unscathed, but yesterday I broke down. Too many people come to me for emotional support at the same time, and I’m worried about all of them. Nicole’s addicted to Codine again, and I literally slapped her when she said she was considering Oxies. Kelsey almost got pushed down a flight of stairs by her boyfriend, and I swear that if he so much as lays a finger on her out of anger I am going to literally beat the living shit out him until he has to breathe out of a tube shoved up his ass. Jill and Ali pretty much aren’t friends anymore, and while that is minor, it’s stuff like that that adds up, bit by bit. Mum’s lonely and irritable, easy to anger. Dad is just flat out depressed and forlorn, and I hope to god he doesn’t start drinking again. Joey is afraid to be in a room by himself; poor little dude is only 9. Anthony is flipping out all over the place because puberty is hitting him like a brick to the gut. Owen is… Christ, Owen’s always had problems. Kaitlyn is turning into her mother, and she HATES her mother, and she sees the transformation but is too selfish or lazy to do anything about it. Marcel is addicted to World of Warcraft to the point where he gets cranky when he’s taken away from it. Kristen is depressed for unknown reasons. Heather has stopped talking to Spencer because she’s afraid that she’ll have sex with him again if she doesn’t cut herself off entirely. Josh is losing his faith and has delved into more “secular” activities – pot, booze, fucking more guys – to try and block it off, and Rocky has pretty much abandoned him.

Add this to my own lonliness, stress from College that’ll be coming up soon, and the fact that I havn’t seen some of these people in more than half a year. I’m scared for them; I’m scared for every single bleeding one of them, because I’m working my ass off to keep them up and if I leave, WHEN I leave, for college, I don’t know what they are going to do. I can’t keep them all sane and happy at once NOW, when I’m here, trying to deal with what I can. I’m scared shitless.

And that made me break down. I was in Kristin’s room, we were hanging out, and she threw on Imogen Heap and while I was listening I sorta started thinking and I curled up into a ball, and then I sorta started to shake a little and I almost cried… and I vented. GOD I vented for an HOUR. I’m never like this. Never. I’m scared and I’m confused and I’m paranoid and I don’t know if I can trust myself with my friends anymore, because I don’t know how often these breakdowns are going to occur if I’m like this.

But that’s my ten minutes. Work is now, so I gotta run.